Anyone else out there also a parent of young kids struggling to get some writing done? I find it so difficult these days to have both uninterrupted time to write in and also a clear head to write with. Any tips on how to create and maintain a sustainable writing practice within the ever-changing constraints of motherhood? How do you juggle your creative endeavors with parenthood? I would love to know what success looks like for you!
Ashley, my children are now grown up, but in those early years of three young children in a small house and a partner gone 7am-7pm I did a few things to get my writing time in:
* I had a small notebook and pen in my bag at all times to jot things down so I wouldn’t forget (including by my bed for dreams)
* I would try to be disciplined about writing at nap-time (and wrote an entire book of poetry in small 20-minute nap-time chucks)
* I would wake 30 minutes before the first child did, to get my morning pages in most weekdays
* I asked my partner to give me an hour on weekends where he’d take the kids to the park and I would commit to writing
* I would set the kids up with a “special treat” movie or book tape so I could scribble notes down
* Going for a walk, I use my voice memo to speak ideas into, then make sure to get them into the computer before bed
* I had a “kid-care barter” with another artist friend and I’d take all the kids one morning a week and she would return the favour another morning
* I asked my mom to play with the kids at home so I could go to a cafe and write (fresh place was a fresh perspective)
* Sometimes I would interpret my insomnia as my inner writer crying for time so I would just give in and write in the wee hours of the morning and try to nap when the kids did the next day … it actually broke the insomnia cycle
GOOD LUCK … the young yers are fleeting and my kids now say they respect that I modelled how important writing time was for me while also showing they were my first priority.
Katie
Katie! Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. You’ve inspired me and I’ve been writing in my car – while waiting in the car line for my son to get out of school, parked outside of his karate class, in the parking lot of the grocery store when my toddler falls asleep in her carseat on the way there, etc. It turns out my head is relatively clear when I’m waiting in the car and I don’t need a lot of time to do some writing. I just take out my notes app and in the spirit of AWA, write whatever needs to be written in that moment, whatever comes to me — knowing it doesn’t have to be perfect. I kept waiting for a dedicated time to sit and write with no distraction, and instead you inspired me to get creative with when/how/where I write. Thank you!
Okay, well this was pleasantly unexpected. I’m neither a mother nor a parent, and yet by reading these posts I’m still having some fresh ideas about how to turn moments of “fragmentary time” into productive writing time. Thank you!
This is the million dollar question for mothers. So much of the writing advice out there is geared toward people who are childless or have grown children or who have a spouse who is the default parent. My kids are thirteen and sixteen so I’ve been engaged in a many years process of, to quote Maxine Waters, “reclaiming my time, reclaiming my time.” The cultural expectation that we have everything all at once burns out so many mothers, and we don’t talk about that enough (although social media is facilitating that conversation).
My oldest was an abysmal sleeper. I needed every second of sleep. I had to shelve a lot of things. I learned to ask myself what I most needed in the moment and not judge the answer (we need sleep and time to eat and time to just sit and let our brains do nothing but sing the Meow-Mix song on a loop). Parents do not need to give up their dreams, but we may need to adjust the timeline. I am heartened by the number of women writers who found success in their forties and beyond. We tend to celebrate meteoric rises, but I have seen a lot of writers become successful through a slow and steady approach. And as a mother on the brink of an empty nest, I am grateful for the times I was able to shelve things and just be present (and wished I had let the stuff that didn’t really matter go more often — no one will cry at your funeral because your house was absolutely immaculate).
I love Katie’s suggestions for small writing moments. Kids love to create so a group activity of making and sharing stories could be fun. The kids could make a puppet show or something like that until they are old enough to write independently.
Another approach that works for some people is to set aside all ideas of daily writing (morning pages and the like) and write in larger chunks less frequently. I wrote a 1,200 word story in Sue’s Headway Project. After, I was able to find little pockets of time to work on a second draft and editing and polishing. I am not a morning person (wish I was) so get up early and write will just make everyone (but mostly me) miserable. In the Creative Habit, Twyla Tharp talks about figuring out how to get past the point of no return. For her, I was getting into a cab at 5 am to workout. If she got into the cab, the workout would happen. So it was a matter of setting herself up to reach that point. Kimberley Lee shared the mental shift from “I have to” to “I get to,” which can put writing on the reward list instead of the to-do list.
I found it hard as the default parent to let my spouse or parents take over. It was hard to watch them struggle and my control-loving self got very anxious. But everyone benefits from a little trial by fire. I should have done that more.
As your kids get older, set up a signal that means mom is busy. Do not disturb unless the house is on fire. The penalty is a very stern look. It takes time but pays off. I can write in my room and am generally not disturbed, but there will be an ambush of questions when I emerge (lol).
You can’t say no to everything but you can say no to a lot of things (or just do them kind of crappy). I have ghosted school bake sales or bought things because I would rather be writing. I don’t aspire to be Martha Stewart so why am I putting so much effort into emulating her?
There is a part of writing that is very hard (the bleeding on the page part or perhaps working really hard to produce something that is dreadful at best). When you write in smaller spurts, its important to create those moments of levity in your writing practice. I like the found poem idea. I’ll look over what I wrote and find one thing I really like and just admire and enjoy it. Makes me more likely to come back to it soon.
I don’t know if any of that was actual writing advice, but I hope it helps. Mom power.
This is definitely a complex question! When my first son was born, I was lucky enough to be invited to a writing group, where I wrote with the group once a month. As soon as I got there I would begin writing and I wouldn’t stop until the 2-3 hours were up. Everyone else was socializing and eating, but I wrote the whole time. By the time my second son was 2, I discovered AWA and attended a friend’s workshop. I loved the sections in Pat’s book about trying to write poems with her children around and going on sleeping/writing retreats by herself. The method is very relatable and parent-friendly. After that I started my own workshop and wrote with them. I also had a friend with extra bedrooms who let me use a room at her house to write one hour a week. Eventually, I got my own office where I could write/lead workshops. Getting out of the house for writing is very helpful, though I love what Susan wrote about the stern look! Eventually, children get older and involved in other stuff leaving more free time for writing.