I am not new at group facilitation but I have a problem that I have addressed in as many kind ways as I can manage and I am sympathizing with old-time teachers who used to use a ruler on knuckles.
I am facilitating a group of Life Writers at the local seniors center and it’s going very well. Everyone understands the method and most of them have moved from writing surface stuff to test the waters, into deep, insightful writing. The feedback, considering most of these people have never written or thought about feedback before, is brilliant, except for one woman. Let’s call her Dotty. Dotty is so happy to be getting her story down and is exceptionally motivated by her grandsons, who have asked her to write it. She LOVES the group but her method of feedback is to launch into her story, in her cute Scottish, little old lady accent. When I gently remind to concentrate on the piece on the table to let the writer know what is strong, or use the narrator…or whatever, it doesn’t matter, she looks contrite and then says, ‘well, this piece is strong because the narrator is having exactly the same experience I had when my grandfather… Sigh… and I pull her back, and she looks contrite and she does it again and again. I have taken her aside outside the group and explained again and again what we are doing and how her responses are affecting the group. Se always agrees and then its the same thing all over again. I feel like she just doesn’t get it. My language is just not right. As the sheepdog protecting my group, I am ready to ask her to leave, however it is a small town, and she is beloved by all. On the way out last one one of the other participants said, “That Dotty, she really loves to hear her own story, doesn’t she?” And it’s true. I feel like I interrupt her story in so many ways but she takes it cheerfully with no change.
I have dealt with folks like her before far more successfully. I have two more in this series and then we are starting another session. She was the first person signed up. I am almost ready to give up and become a plumber. If you have had someone like this in a group, one who just doesn’t get it and will never get it, please share. I will be very grateful. VickiP
This is more of a problem in a publicly funded group where you’re likely not at liberty to suggest she move on! I had a similar problem with one group member (not a Sr and my own group) After several weeks of inappropriate feedback from her (tried reining her in, tried talking privately to her, etc,) I finally suggested she find a group more suited to her as she couldn’t follow the guidelines. As far as Seniors like this – I just keep redirecting and trying to limit their floor time. So at least the others know I’m trying to keep control and I think they are tolerant if the person is likeable. It sounds like there could be memory issues here – she might have a bit of dementia. I would also try to take the temperature of some of the others about this person. Do they know her outside of your group? I suspect she is inappropriate in other situations as well. Tough one.
One more idea. Perhaps starting each session with a brief group discussion of the guidelines for feedback – as a reminder? Ask each person to tell one thing. Can she quote any of the guidelines? If she really can’t recall you will have more info about her and perhaps could post the important points on a wall chart. Just something to try?
This is great. Although I have tried many of the ideas here, I have not considered dementia as a factor. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness. She seems to try so hard and then totally do it over the way she always has. It does seem like she wants to do it right. Thanks for your comments.
I love the idea about asking the group to each talk about one of the guidelines, to check their memory. I wouldn’t have thought of that approach. I also believe in the end that our most serious responsibility is to protect the larger group and the group process. At some point you may have to just cut her off mid-story and remind her and the group that “we are talking about the writing of the author that read, not our own stories” Finally, I think you might have to limit her for awhile to only one piece of feedback and ask her specifically “What part of the writing did you feel was strong?” Then move on to others. Good luck.
My go-to is to simply say, “I’m going to stop you there,” in a gentle voice, and say, “Let’s give the piece that’s just been read our full attention.” or something like that. Also, you could say, “Thank you, Dotty, you could write that story,” and then ask if anyone else wants to give feedback.